UA-51566014-1 Catatan Harian: 2016

Selasa, 07 Juni 2016

ASDFGHJKL

Sometimes we don't get ourselves. Sometimes we live just because we are alive. Do nothing that meant to be something. Purely useless like the definition of scum.

Actually,
It's freaking me out.

Everything seems so temporary. Too temporal that you couldn't keep anything you like to stay longer than it should be. You couldn't hanging out with the buddies of yours overlong, you can't depends on your parents forever because the word forever itself was never exist.
Hence, you should not attached too much to any being on this earth.

Yeah, we should not attached to anyone.

We shouldn’t. We couldn’t.

Actually,

It's freaking me out.

Minggu, 24 April 2016

but EVERYTHING IS NOTHING

I need someone to talk about nothing. Drag me into endless laughter, to get to know that life itself is the most ridiculous joke. We need to be crazy to understand it.

I need someone who occupied my mind with nothing but smile. Maybe like an idiot. Wanna know why? Because I'm an imbecile who would cried over something if it doesn't has a good ending eventually.

I need someone who daft enough to ensure that happiness mere artificial. Anything that could be measured is not happiness. Anything that society called achievement is not happiness. Anything that makes people forget about themselves is not happiness. How come we would be happy if we are lost? Tell me how come. . . how can it be!

Then 'that crazy someone' would lecturing me that happiness is wordless. Happiness is we ourselves.

Since we are complete we don't need to describe a shit so called happiness.

I need a contagious laughter which filled up this labyrinth with silliness. The deep silliness which means everything.

I need a great crap that will trap me in delight. Crap yet genuine, as the sun which burn us up but we can do nothing because it's naturally important.

I. . .
 N. . .
   E. . .
     E. . .
       D. . .

Ah, it sounds like I need the whole universe. Everything.

Everything is nothing, isn't it?

Kamis, 31 Maret 2016

3 months of solitude

Hello. . . long time no write. Yeah, it’s been age since my Skripshit period, oh no.. Skripsweet (still doesn’t match, does it?), Oke, just called it ‘Sweet Sorrow’ episode. Since that time, I felt like loosing every inch of my will to write anything, anywhere. I almost never update my social media account, even rarely write down what happen in my life on a diary. Just go with the flow as time passed and it sorely horrible.

So here I am, try to figure out what’s on my mind by write this note. Actually I lack of confident since I’m barely write anything, kinda afraid that I lose my ability of it and can be my worst of all. Plus this is the first time I write in English (well, note very first, but perhaps in a proper way). So, I’ll warn you first, if you can’t stand with a mess grammar, stop your reading activity here, right now. But if you could understand it, I’m glad to have you as a reader (you can just tell me where’s the mess and I’ll try to fix it).

After graduate, I really messed up my life with doing nothing. Particularly, in which activities like daily routine as a student, hanging out with friends and a simple thing like my usual habit: eat and sleep late. My mom insist to back me home because she found my badass habit. She hate everything that I do and called it ‘student disaster’ haha. My every normal just her opposite, because yeah, we life in different environment for years. Mom was right overall, but, who on earth will sleep before 10 p.m just to be able woke up early then do cleaning activity. In the first two weeks I feel like jailed by told which is wrong which is right. In short, my comfort zone has changed.

To be told what’s good or not when you've been adult was kinda weird. But actually, you are the weirdo. Oke, not you, it’s me. the condition become worse when I realize that I literally jobless. Have no money to cheer myself up, bought a book or ate a nice food. I'm a person who usually through the time with list to do, bumped into 'nothing to do' condition. All I have just an unlimited free time where day by day passed without taste. The worst part is when someone ask you, "What exactly are you right now?". Snap!. My heart aching every time I heard that. You know, it's really hard to face people when you're unemployment. Seems like everyone try to pouring a salt on your wound with their question.

it about 3 months I've been like that. What am I to do during that time? Well, sometimes I go to local library, looking for books which suit my taste but unfortunately the good stock wasn't as many as the library where I frequently visit. It sucks the way college affect my ideal type of literature so much. I become picky and barely read a popular and common literature such as teenlit or metropop. Basically, I hate a plot where a girl become weird just because her lover leave out. Is love really turn people become that dumb? And what I hate the most is a plot where the women suffering a  pregnancy time because no one take care of her, in a nutshell, she has no husband. Gosh, who told her for being madly in love without using any logical sense. It's not even make sense as if there's no God in our heart. I logically sad whenever I read that kind of story. Despite of going to the library, sometimes, no, it almost everyday I read fanfiction of KPop idol. My ex housemate told me that there are many good story  in a few situs. First time I read FF, I don't like it that much because the language was english which torment me a lot, beside the story was kind of popular literature. It's a paradox isn't it? I don't like popular literature but try to fix my displeasure because I need something to read. Seems like God forced me to not too stick with my ideal type and it's works. I've more appreciate all of literature genres because, hey, can you even make one? It's not fair if I judge a story by its genre.


To be continued...

Kamis, 21 Januari 2016

#1

Bagi saya, jika ada hal yang paling sulit dilakukan di dunia ini, adalah meminta maaf dan memaafkan. Hal termudah pun hampir senada, meminta maaf dan memaafkan. Pembahasan mengenai kata maaf ini hampir sama mustahilnya seperti soal kalkulus untuk anak bahasa. Seolah bukan pada tempatnya, tak pernah tepat, dan mengapa tidak kita berbicara mengenai kisah cinta saja, yang ada abadi dalam dongeng-dongeng serta hampir semuram mitos.

            Mungkin, maaf selalu sulit ketika ia berkaitan dengan hati, gudang penyimpan rasa yang tak ada hubungannya dengan indera pengecap. Setiap hati selalu memiliki peraturan sendiri. Jika ia baik maka baiklah segala tentangnya, jika buruk maka penjara paling gelap akan kita temukan di sana. Hati dengan peraturan-peraturannya itu adalah prerogatif individu, tak tersentuh seolah ia ruang terjauh, tak terukur bagaikan samudra paling dalam. Dan suatu ketika, kata maaf hanyalah susunan huruf dan suara yang tak pernah sampai.

            Benar bahwa maaf tak pernah mengembalikan kerusakan apa pun. Tak pernah. Tak perlu kau beri contoh gelas pecah atau apalah, semua terlalu jelas untuk dibicarakan dalam ruang dan waktu yang tak bisa disetel mundur. Manusia adalah debu dalam roda yang berputar ke depan, sekali salah, ia takkan berakhir menjadi benar hanya karena persetujuan atas sebuah maaf. Tapi apakah manusia normal pernah berencana merusak hidupnya dengan rasa bersalah? “Ah, lima menit lagi aku mau meracuni makhluk sombong itu.” atau “Pengecut pantasnya dibuang ke laut sehabis mandi”, tidak kan?

            Lagi pula, kebencian adalah perasaan yang melelahkan. Ia lebih omong kosong dari janji-janji, harapan-harapan dan horizon ekspektasi. Ia perlahan memakan kebaikan, dan setelah dilumat oleh marah yang bertubi-tubi, kita akan menjadi asing pada diri sendiri. Diri kita yang baru tak pernah memberi ruang untuk kedamaian karena ia memasang terali berupa kesempurnaan. Sempurna untuk apa yang terlanjur dirusak, sempurna untuk perjanjian bahwa kompensasi atas kata maaf adalah keadaan seperti semula. Nonsense? Tentu saja! Lebih irasional lagi jika setelah perkara maaf selesai, kita harus bertingkah seolah tak ada apa-apa.

            Apa yang sedang coba saya sampaikan, tidak lain, adalah usaha untuk lepas dari perasaan benci yang sudah mengarat. Waktu untuk memberi syarat atas luka selalu bisa ditebus dengan hal-hal membahagiakan. Kita masih hidup, tinggal di bawah langit yang dua kali sehari berubah warna, maka segala sesuatunya mungkin. Ada bilangan kala tersisa untuk senyuman yang bisa diusahakan. Dibanding bersikukuh pada kebencian yang semakin omong kosong, dan berjelaga seperti mau memberi gelap pada dunia kita. Setiap orang memiliki hak meminta dan diberi maaf, jika tidak, dunia akan selalu merah oleh darah karena nyawa dibalas nyawa.

Saya cukup normal untuk menginginkan hati yang bersih, dan hati yang bersih tak layak menyimpan benci di dalamnya. Seperti kata Agus Noor, "Aku percaya: langit paling luas ialah hati tanpa kebencian."